An Impossible Princess

Other than feeling rubbish, I haven't done much at all! Hopefully I'll make up for that this weekend if I'm feeling better. It's my friend Laura's birthday, and I'd like to to out! It's my mum's birthday next week, I've bought her a pair of Skechers Shape Ups, as she quite liked mine! Then the following Sunday, my brother leaves to start Uni in England. It hasn't sunk in yet that I probably won't see him again until Christmas!

Anyways.. I'm gonna *try* really hard to get some sleep now.. Tired eyes.. xx

*achoooo!*

No other updates really, I'm feeling good and the sun has been shining :) xx

Fail at posting a blog in a wee while!  Feels like ages..  Been feeling a bit sick the past few days, I was thinking yesterday it was chest related because I was feeling tired and very low on energy, so I wasn't happy.  But after a snooze and a boak (vomit) I felt better.  Still feeling slightly nauseous though.. Going to change my breakfast cereal, as I'm hoping it's just that and nothing else, like pregnancy, which my mum nicely brought up! Ha ha!

I had a lovely day out on Tuesday, my aunt was visiting from Canada so my Daddy, Adam and myself went for lunch and spent the afternoon with her.  Even with a boaky belly I enjoyed a huge burger and chips :) We went to an art exhibition, which isn't something I would usually do, but my aunt is an art teacher over in Canada, so it's her life really.  I was more interested in the Mac computer that was on show than the art! Want one!  It did make me think about how creative and artistic I was growing up.  I loved it, I had dreams of being a fashion designer or an art teacher like my aunt,  up until my GSCE years.  Art was an obvious subject for me to pick and I did well at it, a lot of my work got compliments!  But my teacher and I never got on, when I decided to carry on with art for A levels, she took me aside and pretty much said I wasn't good enough.  So there went my creativity and confidence in my artwork.  I did start the A level, determined to proved her wrong, and I did quite well until CF decided to bring me down!  I had to drop the subject because I missed so much school.  Shame :(

Rob is out with his friend tonight so I have the house to myself, to do as I please! I'll probably read or watch a film.  We went to the cinema last week and watched The Expendables and The A Team, both awesome movies and well worth a watch!

That is all for now, apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I can't be arsed reading back over what I've written!

The decorating is all done, for now!  We managed to get it all finished for the arrival of Rob's mum and her partner on Sunday evening.  I've got the house to myself for a little while so I thought I'd write a quick post while getting some nebs done.  This is me (wet hair and sans make up, looking horrible!), and my friend Tobi!

I've an appointment today with Amanda the psychologist, with only all good things to talk about!  I've been feeling so good recently, I guess I haven't had time to worry about anything, which is great. :)  My DEXA scan seemed to go well, not sure when I will get the results, hoping I don't have to wait too long.

We all went out last night for a lovely meal and to see Toy Story 3, awesome film!  Almost has me in tears!  Today, Rob's taking his 'rents on a tour of the lovely Craigavon shopping center while I'm in Belfast (sick to death of driving down that motorway!)  God knows what else we'll do today, the weather hasn't been too good.  We're going out for a meal tomorrow night with my mum and dad so we can all get to know each other, hopefully that will go smoothly.

Looking forward to Thursday as I'm helping out my friend Laura and her mum and aunt with their make up for a wedding!  Been a long time since I actually done someone's make up, but it's what I'm good an apparently :P  I'll see if I can get some pictures.

I must rush off now and dry my hair, I've an hour before I have to leave!

EDIT:  Me looking a lot prettier before I leave..

Bit of a slow start to the week! I kept myself busy, while Rob was working, with lots of house work and the other usual stuff.  Quite dull really, and not worth writing about.  Yesterday though, I had a fun evening with my good friend Laura, delicious lasagne for tea at her house, then a little shopping trip to buy some unnecessary clothes and a Starbucks!  I did get some jeans that actually fit, no more squeezing in to size 8's for me!  I have decided over the past few days I would like to replace my Blackberry with an iPhone. I just don't have the patience for my Blackberry anymore, it's slow and freezes quite a bit.  But buying new clothes has set me back a bit, so I'm stuck with my BB a little while longer!

We then took Laura's little Toby for a walk, he is just gorgeous, and I love him and want to take him home!  My two boys would not be pleased with a new arrival though!

Today has been quite busy.. After our weekly shopping trip, we visited my mum and dad.  Mum bought me some lovely new Vans shoes, (spoilt with new clothes this week, Rob also bought me a new hoodie!).  Then it was straight home to make room for the men that are coming tomorrow to put replace my windows!  It's gonna be an early start tomorrow, and probably a stressful day.  Fingers crossed I won't have to much cleaning to do after the windows are fitted.  Tonight's plan is to relax.. I've gave myself a little manicure and tinted and tweezed my eyebrows, and after this blog entry I will continue reading the book a started last night!  

I'm still feeling great and very motivated since my clinic appointment last week.  I am missing my E Flow though, I hope it won't be away much longer.  My next appointment is the 13th for my DEXA scan, which is at a completely different hospital that I've never been to before, so I may just get lost!  On the 17th, I have a catch up with my psychologist.  Rob's mum and her boyfriend will be visiting us for the first time that week too, quite excited, it's been the main reason for a lot of the redecorating that's been going at my house.

I'm off now to pour myself an Appletini!

Finally had a trip to the hairdressers to day! Just a lil trim and colour.  Feels so good to have your hair washed by a hairdresser, I felt I could have fell asleep by then sink!  Rob says I look purdy :) Even with an angry breakout of spots! Argh!

It's been a fun couple of days!  Still on top of the world after my clinic appointment, hoping this feel will last a while!  We went to see Inception yesterday.  It was awesome, I would recommend it to anyone.  I thought it would have had me lost and confused from the start, but it sucked me in like a vortex.  Had my heart racing and basically had me speechless.  Mind BLOWN!

Early start this morning for my hairdresser appointment, which meant no Saturday fry up :(  But I got a little pampering session, and a gorgeous lunch with my good friend Laura.  This is my totally gluttonous dessert, which I devoured!  I wouldn't have managed it if I'd started the morning with a fry!

Sunday roast at Mum's tomorrow if I can be arsed to drive round!  I'm hoping she'll have some Jamaican Ginger Cake, I woke up in the middle of the night last night with such a craving! 

So my expectations were wrong!  Nothing has been able to wipe the smile from my face today.  My hospital appointments went very well, and I don't need IVs at the moment.  I has an appointment with my psychologist first, and we talked about my worries with todays clinic appointment.  For the past year or so I've been suffering from anxiety and slight panic attacks coming up to each clinic visit, always so worried about being dragged in for IVs.  Even though I've been dealing with hospital stays since I was really young, it's something I just can't get used to, it makes me so miserable, the minute I get settled in my hospital room, I just want to be left alone.  I bring lots with me to keep me occupied, but I just lose all interest in everything.  I miss everything from home, I miss seeing my dogs, I miss good food, and I hate the lack of privacy.  Don't get me wrong, I know the CF staff do everything they can to make our stay there as comfortable as it can possibly be, and I'm thankful for all the help they give me, but it's hell to me.  She asked me how I thought today's appointment would go, and because I have a slight cold and sore throat, I expected my lung functions to be really bad and I'd need IVs.  But, I told her if I was offered oral antibiotics, I'd prefer to go into hospital and have IVs, as the last few times I've used orals, I've needed IVs when the course was finished.  She pointed out, that I would then be basically pushing myself through the door, even though I hate being there!  I know the benefits putting myself through those couple of weeks of hell, and I know it's something I just have to deal with.  It's a normal feeling for me to dislike going into hospital, I'm sure there aren't many people who like the thought of it!

I talked about how I worry about my lung functions going down, and not coming back up again.  And how I think that will lead to me being bed bound and having no life.  She told me to think of the bed bound person in my mind as an impostor, it's not me.  I won't let CF make me that way, and those who love me won't let it happen.  She told me she can see that it's not me and it will never be me, it's not my personality.  Of course there will be times I will be sick and need looking after, but I'll do everything I can to bounce back.  It's all about ATTITUDE!  And also how I feel, I know my lungs better than a machine.  This is the poem she gave me today, it really makes ya think :)

Attitude

by Charles Swindoll

The longer I live, the more I realise the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money,

than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do.

It's more important that appearance, giftedness or skills.

It will make or break a company, a church, a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past, 

We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do it play on the one string we have,

And that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you,

We are in charge of our attitudes.

I think I'm going to read this everyday, to put me in the right frame of mind to deal with whatever the world throws at me.  My mood was totally lifted by the end of the session with my psychologist.  All prepared for CF clinic!

I wasn't as nervous as I usually am, but my room was so warm, I felt like I had to strip off!  I didn't!  Lung functions went much better than I expected, up 5%, which was a huge surprise.  It's been a while since I seen improvement without the help of IVs, so i was over the moon.  They still aren't as high as when I'd finished my last course of IVs in March, but they're in the right direction. I've put on 1 and half kilos, which I expected, after having to buy some new, bigger clothes!  I think my BMI is around 22.5.  The doctor was pleased with how things are, and just told me if my cold gets worse or I feel worse to get in touch asap, which goes without saying really.  I'm due my DEXA scan in a couple of weeks, and also a repeat glucose tolerance test soon.  I got my port flushed and left my E-flow in for it's little tune up.  Hopefully it won't be gone for long, as I've been left with a compressor that is as old as the hills and noisy as hell!

I treated myself to a lovely Mc Donald's for having a good day.  My plan for the rest of the week is to continue the hard work, housework, and the cinema!

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Well, it's been a while, I thought I needed to post a proper post.  I haven't even been that busy, just the usual things.  To be honest my mood has been up and down the past week.  More down than up!  And don't ask me what has been wrong, because I just don't know.  I don't feel myself snapping out of it anytime soon either.  I have clinic this week and I woke up this morning with a killer sore throat and sniffles.  I don't have high hopes for being at home this weekend!  I've also got an appointment with the teams psychologist, so I'll explain to her my feelings, well, try to.  I've been keeping record of my moods and what has been going through my head at the time.

I did have an awesome time at my cousin's wedding reception, it's been a long time since I got dressed up and went out for a few drinks!  Rob had a good time too :)  We suffered slightly yesterday, I think just due to lack of sleep, but it was worth it!

I always start writing these posts and feel like I have loads to write, but I never do!  I've been busy cleaning today, so I think I'm gonna go for a little walk and then take a long shower and catch up on some TV!  And cuddle Chico and Marshall lots, of course!